Oh wow, time flies. More then a year since I wrote here, not to mistake for me not writing. I’ve got two more note books filled with ideas and reflections.
The last post, the one below, was me longing for a soulmate. The actual problem was me longing -searching for myself.
A LOT have happen in a year, almost too much for me to cope with. I tried to juggle 4 jobs at a time. I moved to Stockholm with a tunnel vision of making a lot of money to make a lot of music. The reality was that I worked all the time and didn’t make any music. I took no time of to just be. If I didn’t work, I traveled, which been very much this year. I think I’ve been on 18 different airplanes and the year is not over.
I’m an on/off person and when July arrived I’ve had been On for too long. I crashed. No surprise. Too high expectations, too much being alone, too little sleep. My sister advised me to visit our parents in Finland for a while and I did. And I did what I loved. I created. I painted almost every day for 2 months and booked two shows. Only me and my guitar, singing out the lessons I’ve learnt and the failures I made. This was a big step for me. To do what I love infront of the people I’ve been scared of the most. My hometown. I’ve been so worried about what people think. Even If I tried to deny it. I still have. The beauty of crashing as a being is that you stop giving a shit about anything, you’re too drained of energy. When something’s broken the light can shine through and that’s how I felt.
Since my last post life really smacked a wall in my face and humbled me down. My life has been a constant search for some truth and I thought I found it and I think that’s when your are the most lost. A wise person told me this summer to see myself as a glass that life constantly fills with ideas, experience, pain, happiness… And that it’s important to empty your glass every now and then to be able to receive more of what life gives you and continue to empty it. To just be. The same person told me to be like a hummingbird. The hummingbird beats its wings very fast and the wings achieve a sound that we humans hear as a humming. And it might delight you or it might annoy you. However none of that was ever the hummingbird’s intention, it just is who it is and it might give some delight or it might not. So that’s where I am today. Trying to be everything I am, not more, not less. And understand that that’s the best I can be.
